I don’t want to meet her because I have this preconceived notion about her and I like to make fun of her in my head. If I met her, I’d probably like her, and that would be bad.
-GB
New Guy has a CDL
If you f*@% up out here, you’re gonna pee.
Can you drive a stinger steer fire engine?
-GB
New, New Guy
Here’s what you have to look forward to. At the end of this tour you’re going to have a little bit of money, and you’re going to be fun at a party. That’s it. Otherwise, you’re a broken down, sway back old mule.
-GB
Misunderstanding
Sorry, I did not mean to impugn your purity.
-GB
Birdman
Is that Zack Galafaweasle?
-GB
Family friendly
I’m off my game cuz I’m practicing not swearing.
-GB
Everyone loves Nicole
You know, everyone loves Nicole, but not many people love me, so , you know.
-GB
RV tank
I don’t have a camper, but if I did, it would have a pee grabber.
-GB
Boxing
I’m not that into pugilism as an athletic pursuit
-GB
💩
I’m not giving you saltwater taffy if all you’re giving me is excrement.
-GB
Tornados
Storm chaser? I’m a storm avoider.
-GB
Salty
That was an interesting waitress. She was full of sodium and chloride.
-GB
Don’t cry over…
Waitress- You guys doing OK over here?
GB- You know, I eat like a 4 year old. May I please have some napkins?
Ordering lunch
GB- Burrito. Brown, Black, Chicken, Hot, Corn, lettuce.
Chipotle Guy- Well, that was concise.
GB- You want to know where I went to college and my mom’s maiden name? You and I have a burrito in common. Let’s keep it at that.
Gigging
Kara- Where’s Fluffy?
GB- Fluffy’s sawing in Harrisburg
Feelings
People ask me things to which I don’t have answers and I feel so useless.
-GB
Getting home
There’s a flight every hour to Chicago, and you have a credit card, so my blood pressure is the same as if I were asleep.
-GB
Job longevity
Happy anniversary! Way to keep showing up. That’s the secret…just keep showing up.
-GB
Well Built Stages
Well, I didn’t fall through the giant hole behind the radio rack so I guess it was a successful trip
-GB
Is David Coverdale in Winger?
If you’re gonna work with Anthony, you better know your hair bands.
-GB
Roots, Logarithms, and Trigonometry
I’ve got a bitchin’ slide rule. All metal Picket. I’ll let you see it some time.
-GB
The next generation
If you’re young and stupid, I’m just gonna let you be that way.
-GB
Low riders
It was pretty rough, but like a bad car wreck, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.
-GB
International Travel
I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass, so I’m just going to sleep when I can.
-GB
Then and now
It wasn’t that long ago that I felt all warm and happy inside. Now I feel all empty and vacuous.
-GB
Catching Potato Chips
Sorry Bagby, I’m no Catfish Hunter
-GB
Cabled headsets….
The phone’s goosing your nads, but at least your skull’s gonna be safe
-GB
Research
We should look her up on the Facebook and see if she’s gotten divorced yet.
-GB
Long bus ride
Now what shall we do? Let’s debate climate change!
-GB
Jumping time zones
I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass so I’m just going to sleep when I can.
-GB
Brad’s leaving
What will we do when you’re gone? You could call me and I could talk to you about Coppertone.
-GB
Post show activities
I had a nice hudge in the warm-up room last night.
-GB
Snakes in the Pit
It stands to reason that what the dude was throwing up was mostly alcohol anyway.
-GB
Eternal Hazing
You kind of have the corner on the douchebag market
-GB
Website popularity
The kids are clamoring for new posts.
-GB
Times are tough
Because maybe you’re living hand to mouth ‘cause she pooted out another spud
-GB
Tak’n one for the team
I’m taking the mean out on you because I need to go drunk-text fluffy tonight.
GB
Sometimes you have to play hard to get
Gotta call the fluff-scicle…make it seem like I’m not talking to her.
-GB
People more important than us
He would not deign to travel with the pleebs.
-GB
Classics
You gotta find the time to watch Caddy Shack or times are tough for a kid.
-GB
Other Bands’ Monitor Mixers
You need to know what side of the stage you’re on and stop being a douchebag like you’re being right now
-GB
Too Loud
I’m not going to punish my ears for no money.
-GB
Reality is a harsh mistress
I think the only minus I have is that you think I’m delusional
-GB
Chemistry
I’ve got better things to figure out than milk fat by molar
-GB
Chemists
Bag: do you know any good chemists?
GB: oh yeah, totally. He doesn’t like me, but I know him.
Grime
For this last tour, I didn’t feel that funny, I barely felt clean.
GB
Shame
I really wanted to keep this so that my parents wouldn’t be sad if they saw it, but that bus has left the station.
GB
Memory
I remember very little. It’s a defense mechanism really.
GB
Other people’s monitor techs
I like the kid (don’t get me wrong), but he’s gonna have to step up the rhetoric if he wants to play in the bigs…
-GB
Bunk time
I’m gonna go back to my bunk and watch queensryche videos. See you guys later.
GB
Headphones
You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.
-AM
False impressions
The last thing you want to do is pump a bunch of sunshine up their asses then not have enough Coppertone to back it up.
-GB
Rock tour
They said it would be fun and that there’d be girls.
-GB
Pressing the flesh
I’ve shaken way too many hands to be eatin’ off these mitts.
-GB
Decorum
I’ve built my life on decorum.
-GB
No fair!
No fair……don’t go quoting me to me!
-GB
Words Brad hates
It’s always good to be the piston in a bicycle pump.
-GB
I can’t talk
I won’t be able to understand you anyway because you have douchebagyngitis!
-GB
Aging
It’s all over but the crying after 40.
-GB
Impressing the ladies
I totally had a lab coat when I worked as a NASA contractor.
-GB
(photo: Juan Valdez)