Shit My Monitor Tech Says

If you’re going to work with Anthony, you’d better know your hair bands.

-GB

What will we do when you’re gone? You could call me and I could talk to you about Coppertone.

-GB

I had a nice hudge in the warm-up room last night.

-GB

If you’re young and stupid, I’m just going to let you be that way.

-GB

It was pretty rough; but like a bad car wreck, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.

-GB

That’s funny. You can put that on your website.

-GB

It wasn’t that long ago that I felt all warm and happy inside. Now I feel all empty and vacuous. Do you know what vacuous means?

-GB

It stands to reason that what the dude was throwing up was mostly alcohol anyway.

-GB

Sorry Bagby, I’m no Catfish Hunter.

-GB

You kind of have the corner on the douchebag market

-GB

The kids are clamoring for new posts.

-GB

Because maybe you’re living hand to mouth ‘cause she pooted out another  spud

-GB

I’m taking the mean out on you because I need to go drunk-text fluffy tonight…

GB

Gotta call the fluff-scicle…make it seem like I’m not talking to her.

-GB

I’ve got a bitchin’ slide rule. All metal Picket. I’ll let you see it some time.

-GB

He would not deign to travel with the pleebs.

-GB

You gotta find the time to watch Caddy Shack or times are tough for a kid.

-GB

You need to know what side of the stage you’re on and stop being a douchebag like you’re being right now

-GB

I’m not going to punish my ears for no money.

-GB

I think the only minus I have is that you think I’m delusional

-GB

I’ve got better things to figure out than milk fat by molar

-GB

Well, I didn’t fall through the giant hole behind the radio rack so I guess it was a successful trip

-GB

I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass, so I’m just going to sleep when I can.

-GB

I like the kid (don’t get me wrong), but he’s gonna have to step up the rhetoric if he wants to play in the bigs…

-GB

You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.

-AM

The last thing you want to do is pump a bunch of sunshine up their asses then not have enough Coppertone to back it up.

-GB

They said it would be fun and that there’d be girls.

-GB

Bag: do you know any good chemists?
GB: oh yeah, totally. He doesn’t like me, but I know him.

-GB

I’m gonna go back to my bunk and watch Queensryche videos. See you guys later.

-GB

I’ve shaken way too many hands to be eatin’ off these mitts.

-GB

For this last tour, I didn’t feel that funny… I barely felt clean

-GB

I really wanted to keep this so that my parents wouldn’t be sad if they saw it, but that bus has left the station.

-GB

I remember very little. It’s a defense mechanism really.

-GB

I’ve built my life on decorum.

-GB

No fair……don’t go quoting me to me!

-GB

It would be hard to dispute that, even for me. I’m a big disputer!

-GB

Go ahead and talk, I’m listening. I don’t care, but I’m listening.

-GB

It’s always good to be the piston in a bicycle pump.

-GB

I won’t be able to understand you anyway because you have douchebagyngitis!

-GB

Man look at the best western, it’s a jammed with the peebos!

-GB

The milk is never free. It’s just reduced price.

-GB

It’s all over but the crying after 40.

-GB

I’m swell until you actually meet me. On paper, I’m f*¢kjng great!

-GB

As a card carrying heathen, I’m totally down with Festivus.

-GB

Jealousy is a harsh mistress, like gravity.

-GB

Not my website, it’s someone else’s.  Oohhh…..maybe some caramel corn will make me happy!

-GB

I totally had a lab coat when I worked as a NASA contractor.

-GB

(photo: Juan Valdez)

People don’t like me.  I’ve been told that by people who don’t like me.

-GB

That’s the thing about being us is that the fun bubble just follows us around everywhere.

-GB

Sorry I was so rude earlier.  My name is Greg.  I’m not that socially acceptable to most people.

-GB

Most of my lips have fallen off.  I’m gluing the rest together with Burt’s bees.

-GB

See? It’s not just you. I’m an equal opportunity asshole.

-GB

I could really go for bacon wrapped butter with a ham glaze.

-GB

That’s all booze! It’s all rita and no marg.

-GB

Be careful upon that which you hock ginders.

-GB

I thought there was going to be gold shooting out of  your mouth, but it wasn’t what I was expecting.
-BG

GB: ….that’s where I developed the LTP method.

BG: LTP method?

GB: Learn Through Pain

To tell you the truth, in the grand scheme of things, I am a liability.

-GB

It’s good to know useless people.   It makes you feel better about yourself.

You see, the thing about being a higher primate is that we learn from our mistakes.
– GB