Hardware

My mom had squirrels in her attic so I went over and installed a metal door over the hole with a fish weight on it to hold it down. They could push it open but weren’t able to pry it open to get back in. It was like a check valve for squirrels. Yeah…a squirrel check valve.

-GB

Cursory fan

I like to sit in a bar and sip a couple beers and spew sports facts that I heard on the TV 2 hours earlier. If they start to ask questions, it usually turns out badly.

-GB

Potato Sack Girl

I don’t want to meet her because I have this preconceived notion about her and I like to make fun of her in my head. If I met her, I’d probably like her, and that would be bad.

-GB

New, New Guy

Here’s what you have to look forward to. At the end of this tour you’re going to have a little bit of money, and you’re going to be fun at a party. That’s it. Otherwise, you’re a broken down, sway back old mule.

-GB

Ordering lunch

GB- Burrito. Brown, Black, Chicken, Hot, Corn, lettuce.

Chipotle Guy- Well, that was concise.

GB- You want to know where I went to college and my mom’s maiden name? You and I have a burrito in common. Let’s keep it at that.