I like the kid (don’t get me wrong), but he’s gonna have to step up the rhetoric if he wants to play in the bigs…

-GB

You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.

-AM

The last thing you want to do is pump a bunch of sunshine up their asses then not have enough Coppertone to back it up.

-GB

They said it would be fun and that there’d be girls.

-GB

Bag: do you know any good chemists?
GB: oh yeah, totally. He doesn’t like me, but I know him.

-GB

I’m gonna go back to my bunk and watch Queensryche videos. See you guys later.

-GB

I’ve shaken way too many hands to be eatin’ off these mitts.

-GB

For this last tour, I didn’t feel that funny… I barely felt clean

-GB

I really wanted to keep this so that my parents wouldn’t be sad if they saw it, but that bus has left the station.

-GB

I remember very little. It’s a defense mechanism really.

-GB

I’ve built my life on decorum.

-GB

No fair……don’t go quoting me to me!

-GB

It would be hard to dispute that, even for me. I’m a big disputer!

-GB

Go ahead and talk, I’m listening. I don’t care, but I’m listening.

-GB

It’s always good to be the piston in a bicycle pump.

-GB

I won’t be able to understand you anyway because you have douchebagyngitis!

-GB

Man look at the best western, it’s a jammed with the peebos!

-GB

The milk is never free. It’s just reduced price.

-GB

It’s all over but the crying after 40.

-GB

I’m swell until you actually meet me. On paper, I’m f*¢kjng great!

-GB

As a card carrying heathen, I’m totally down with Festivus.

-GB

Jealousy is a harsh mistress, like gravity.

-GB

Not my website, it’s someone else’s.  Oohhh…..maybe some caramel corn will make me happy!

-GB

I totally had a lab coat when I worked as a NASA contractor.

-GB

(photo: Juan Valdez)

People don’t like me.  I’ve been told that by people who don’t like me.

-GB

That’s the thing about being us is that the fun bubble just follows us around everywhere.

-GB

Sorry I was so rude earlier.  My name is Greg.  I’m not that socially acceptable to most people.

-GB

Most of my lips have fallen off.  I’m gluing the rest together with Burt’s bees.

-GB

See? It’s not just you. I’m an equal opportunity asshole.

-GB

I could really go for bacon wrapped butter with a ham glaze.

-GB

That’s all booze! It’s all rita and no marg.

-GB

Be careful upon that which you hock ginders.

-GB

I thought there was going to be gold shooting out of  your mouth, but it wasn’t what I was expecting.
-BG

GB: ….that’s where I developed the LTP method.

BG: LTP method?

GB: Learn Through Pain

To tell you the truth, in the grand scheme of things, I am a liability.

-GB

It’s good to know useless people.   It makes you feel better about yourself.

You see, the thing about being a higher primate is that we learn from our mistakes.
- GB

That’s my friend Greg. He has the worst job.

-DM

I’m not belittling you, I’m just teaching you in a way that will help you remember… by belittling you.

- GB

A test bite from even a medium sized shark can be pretty hard-core.

-GB

If there’s one thing you can tell by watching all the Bond films it’s that high cheek bones never go out of fashion.

-GB

I spend a lot of my life thinking of ways not to touch stuff.

-GB

Now that you’ve washed your hands, I’ll let you help me.

-GB

I’m allowed to have selective memory about things that hurt me deeply.

-GB

You gotta run a broom through the shop every now and then…

-GB

If you feel as though you’re about to say something clever, speak into the microphone please. Thank you.

-GB

Stupid? NOT stupid….just uninformed. Stupid is an unrecoverable fall.

-GB

Almost everything I say is not common…it’s more retarded.

-GB

It’s a shame we’re not gonna be in Minnesota that long, because you sure can buy some nice tackle boxes up there.

Awesome! I escaped New York without making any enemies. I actually had a pretty good time.

-GB

I’m as serious as the heart attack I will soon have.

-GB

‘Cuz he’s a child and has plenty of time for his life to become miserable….like mine.

-GB

I don’t know, because we’re going into the teeth of rush hour

- GB

Okay… I’m gonna go get some tea because I’m not currently grinding my teeth enough. I’ll be on radio if you need me.

-GB

Awesome. It’s like listening to my head inside.

- GB

PANCAKES.
-GB

Yeah some days Darwin gets to live the dream.

- GB

That’s alright…..you have every right to be wrong.

-GB

My dad is the lunatic fringe of peanut butter.

-GB

It’s hard being the stupidest person in your family.

-GB