Shit My Monitor Tech Says

Welcome to my life, buddy. Everything I say ends up on the internet.

-GB

I can’t wait for 30 years from now when I’ll be dead and you’ll be miserable.

-GB

My mom had squirrels in her attic so I went over and installed a metal door over the hole with a fish weight on it to hold it down. They could push it open but weren’t able to pry it open to get back in. It was like a check valve for squirrels. Yeah…a squirrel check valve.

-GB

I kinda want to go back and get my PhD so when they stick me in the ground for a very long time, it will be as a doctor.

-GB

I’m going to take a shower. Since I was in the subway, I’m going to have to burn my clothes.

-GB

They’re yelling my name cuz they want something, not because I’m delightful

-GB

It’s super not helpful when the big kahuna says your name over the PA

-GB

I like to sit in a bar and sip a couple beers and spew sports facts that I heard on the TV 2 hours earlier. If they start to ask questions, it usually turns out badly.

-GB

I don’t jump out of perfectly functioning aircraft. If you want to see me sky dive sometime, throw a frozen chicken into a fan and we’ll talk.

-GB

Many things didn’t go right for me today.

-GB

It’s always better sleepin’ when you can hang meat on your bus.

-GB

I am a bastion of mediocrity, really.

-GB

Am I warm? Absolutely. Am I touching anything? Absolutely not.

-GB

Did you get Crown Royal for me? Woohoo! My top’s coming off tonight!!

-GB

I got to go home as a biped… if I have one more I’ll be crawling out of here.

-GB

I should take my lead from Pablo and just be quiet. See? He’s mad and quiet. I’m mad and not quiet.

-GB

Well diggers just know two things. How deep the well is and how cold their asses are.

-GB

So you know what’s good? Drinking every kind of liquor then going through the border.

-GB

All great movie themes weren’t sung by Adele

-GB

Know your audience. That’s the key to life. I fail at it, but I try.

-GB

I don’t want to meet her because I have this preconceived notion about her and I like to make fun of her in my head. If I met her, I’d probably like her, and that would be bad.

-GB

If you f*@% up out here, you’re gonna pee.

Can you drive a stinger steer fire engine?

-GB

Here’s what you have to look forward to. At the end of this tour you’re going to have a little bit of money, and you’re going to be fun at a party. That’s it. Otherwise, you’re a broken down, sway back old mule.

-GB

Sorry, I did not mean to impugn your purity.

-GB

Is that Zack Galafaweasle?

-GB

I’m off my game cuz I’m practicing not swearing.

-GB

You know, everyone loves Nicole, but not many people love me, so , you know.

-GB

I don’t have a camper, but if I did, it would have a pee grabber.

-GB

I’m not that into pugilism as an athletic pursuit

-GB

I’m not giving you saltwater taffy if all you’re giving me is excrement.

-GB

Storm chaser? I’m a storm avoider.

-GB

That was an interesting waitress. She was full of sodium and chloride.

-GB

Waitress- You guys doing OK over here?

GB- You know, I eat like a 4 year old. May I please have some napkins?

 

 

Kara- Where’s Fluffy?
GB- Fluffy’s sawing in Harrisburg

People ask me things to which I don’t have answers and I feel so useless.

-GB

There’s a flight every hour to Chicago, and you have a company credit card, so my blood pressure is the same as if I were asleep.

-GB

Happy anniversary! Way to keep showing up. That’s the secret…just keep showing up.

-GB

Well, I didn’t fall through the giant hole behind the radio rack so I guess it was a successful trip

-GB

If you’re gonna work with Anthony, you better know your hair bands.

-GB

If you’re young and stupid, I’m just gonna let you be that way.

-GB

It was pretty rough, but like a bad car wreck, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.

-GB

I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass, so I’m just going to sleep when I can.

-GB

It wasn’t that long ago that I felt all warm and happy inside. Now I feel all empty and vacuous.

-GB

Sorry Bagby, I’m no Catfish Hunter

-GB

The phone’s goosing your nads, but at least your skull’s gonna be safe

-GB

We should look her up on the Facebook and see if she’s gotten divorced yet.

-GB

Now what shall we do? Let’s debate climate change!

-GB

I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass so I’m just going to sleep when I can.

-GB

What will we do when you’re gone? You could call me and I could talk to you about Coppertone.

-GB

I had a nice hudge in the warm-up room last night.

-GB

It stands to reason that what the dude was throwing up was mostly alcohol anyway.

-GB

You kind of have the corner on the douchebag market

-GB

 

 

 

 

 

The kids are clamoring for new posts.

-GB

Because maybe you’re living hand to mouth ‘cause she pooted out another  spud

-GB

I’m taking the mean out on you because I need to go drunk-text fluffy tonight.

GB

Gotta call the fluff-scicle…make it seem like I’m not talking to her.

-GB

He would not deign to travel with the pleebs.

-GB

You gotta find the time to watch Caddy Shack or times are tough for a kid.

-GB