Shit My Monitor Tech Says

When you’re old, you want a tattoo of a Chinese pug…so the wrinkles look natural

-GB

I might have gotten my ears pierced at Spencer’s

-GB

What kind of peachy mood do you think Greg will be in today?

-PW (Pablo Blanco)

I’m starting to think it’s time to brush my tooth and go to bed.

-GB

What the heck is that thing? I’ll take “out of place cupolas” for 50, Alex.

-GB

Pablo, when you like people less than me, that’s saying something.

-GB

When you’re dead, all the bad stuff goes away…unless you’re like, Hitler.

-GB

At least I know I make people mad all the time.

-GB

Don’t get old…my prostate is like a baby’s fist

-GB

There’s 832 updates available, since we haven’t updated since Methuselah lost his sandals.

-GB

Fluffy clubbed my mic in 2013. That’s when we met.

-GB

I like being here with my friends …and Ian

-GB

A lot of times, I just sit there watching the news and think to myself “thank goodness I’m going to be dead before THAT’s a problem”

-GB

You know, a lad with a station such as mine doesn’t need this kind of stress.

-GB

^{[Waving arms frantically]}
Square root of negative one, everyone run away…no one knows what’s going to happen. Hey wait…are you writing things I say?

-GB

I can’t be myself AND Geoff Peters.

-GB

I like bitter though, because I am.

-GB

I’m unpleasant. There’s no other way around it.

-GB

We can go to the plasma bank tomorrow and donate. It makes drinking cheaper.

-GB

I was talking to Ian, fuckstick.
This is the audio bus, not the jackass bus

-GB

She’s not that enthused in talking to me. We must be fighting.

-GB

Can you imagine me as a life coach? I could totally be a life coach. That’ll be my next career.

-GB

I was more normal as a child. I’ve been beaten down since then.

-GB

The semester’s almost over. She’ll be able to sell her books back and get her hair re-oranged.

-GB

I was young and full of hope when this came out.

-GB

…measured between the chassis of the Leslie and the ground on his rack and got 172v.
So dude’s getting baked with a buck seventy two. Fine?…

-GB

She’ll drink me under the table. She’ll finish me. She’s got a hollow leg that’s mostly liver.

-GB

Ya just put a stick in the mud and maybe it’s off by 30 minutes and maybe it’s not.

-GB

Kenny Chesney and tequila make me crazy

-GB

I’m super excited right now.
“Oh?”
I’m not really excited.

-GB

Total eclipse of the side-boob.

-GB

Wait til you get old fuckstick, you’ll forget everything too.

-GB

Welcome to my life, buddy. Everything I say ends up on the internet.

-GB

I can’t wait for 30 years from now when I’ll be dead and you’ll be miserable.

-GB

My mom had squirrels in her attic so I went over and installed a metal door over the hole with a fish weight on it to hold it down. They could push it open but weren’t able to pry it open to get back in. It was like a check valve for squirrels. Yeah…a squirrel check valve.

-GB

I kinda want to go back and get my PhD so when they stick me in the ground for a very long time, it will be as a doctor.

-GB

I’m going to take a shower. Since I was in the subway, I’m going to have to burn my clothes.

-GB

They’re yelling my name cuz they want something, not because I’m delightful

-GB

It’s super not helpful when the big kahuna says your name over the PA

-GB

I like to sit in a bar and sip a couple beers and spew sports facts that I heard on the TV 2 hours earlier. If they start to ask questions, it usually turns out badly.

-GB

I don’t jump out of perfectly functioning aircraft. If you want to see me sky dive sometime, throw a frozen chicken into a fan and we’ll talk.

-GB

Many things didn’t go right for me today.

-GB

It’s always better sleepin’ when you can hang meat on your bus.

-GB

I am a bastion of mediocrity, really.

-GB

Am I warm? Absolutely. Am I touching anything? Absolutely not.

-GB

Did you get Crown Royal for me? Woohoo! My top’s coming off tonight!!

-GB

I got to go home as a biped… if I have one more I’ll be crawling out of here.

-GB

I should take my lead from Pablo and just be quiet. See? He’s mad and quiet. I’m mad and not quiet.

-GB

Well diggers just know two things. How deep the well is and how cold their asses are.

-GB

So you know what’s good? Drinking every kind of liquor then going through the border.

-GB

All great movie themes weren’t sung by Adele

-GB

Know your audience. That’s the key to life. I fail at it, but I try.

-GB

I don’t want to meet her because I have this preconceived notion about her and I like to make fun of her in my head. If I met her, I’d probably like her, and that would be bad.

-GB

If you f*@% up out here, you’re gonna pee.

Can you drive a stinger steer fire engine?

-GB

Here’s what you have to look forward to. At the end of this tour you’re going to have a little bit of money, and you’re going to be fun at a party. That’s it. Otherwise, you’re a broken down, sway back old mule.

-GB

Sorry, I did not mean to impugn your purity.

-GB

Is that Zack Galafaweasle?

-GB

I’m off my game cuz I’m practicing not swearing.

-GB