You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.
-AM
"The kids are clamoring for new posts" … "Just cuz you want me to say funny shit for your enjoyment"
You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.
-AM
The last thing you want to do is pump a bunch of sunshine up their asses then not have enough Coppertone to back it up.
-GB
They said it would be fun and that there’d be girls.
-GB
I’ve shaken way too many hands to be eatin’ off these mitts.
-GB
I’ve built my life on decorum.
-GB
No fair……don’t go quoting me to me!
-GB
It’s always good to be the piston in a bicycle pump.
-GB
I won’t be able to understand you anyway because you have douchebagyngitis!
-GB
It’s all over but the crying after 40.
-GB
Jealousy is a harsh mistress, like gravity.
GB
It’s a grease spot, like everyone’s favorite raccoon after days on the interstate.
-GB
People don’t like me. I’ve been told that by people who don’t like me.
GB
That’s the thing about being us is that the fun bubble just follows us around everywhere.
-GB
Sorry I was so rude earlier. My name is Greg. I’m not that socially acceptable to most people.
GB
Most of my lips have fallen off. I’m gluing the rest together with Burt’s bees.
GB
See, it’s not just you. I’m an equal opportunity asshole.
GB
I could really go for bacon wrapped butter with a ham glaze.
-GB
That’s all booze! It’s all rita and no marg.
-GB
Not my website, it’s some else’s. Oohhh…..maybe some caramel corn will make me happy.
GB
Good thing she’s a psychic, she can tell me I have bunions on my ass!
-GB
If there’s quality coming out, I know it.
-GB
He’s going to crush that really hard and turn peat moss into diamonds.
GB
If you feel as though you’re about to say something clever, speak into the microphone please. Thank you.
-GB
I don’t wanna get all Greg House on your ass, but that just does not make any sense
I don’t know why….and we’re never going to know, really
GB
You should be nervous. If you’re not nervous, you’re a dumbass.
GB
Stupid? NOT stupid….just uninformed. Stupid is an unrecoverable fall.
GB
I wish to enjoy some visqueen please, sir.
GB
Yeah, a chicken brain is like the size of a pea. That’s why you’re better off getting a robot chicken.
GB
Be careful upon that which you hock ginders.
-GB
I thought there was going to be gold shooting out of your mouth, but it wasn’t what I was expecting.
-BG
It’s a shame we’re not gonna be in Minnesota that long, because you sure can buy some nice tackle boxes up there.
GB
Awesome! I escaped New York without making any enemies. I actually had a pretty good time.
-GB
I’m not belittling you, I’m just teaching you in a way that will help you remember… by belittling you.
– GB
You see, the thing about being a higher primate is that we learn from our mistakes.
GB
I don’t know, because we’re going into the teeth of rush hour.
GB
It would be hard to dispute that, even for me. I’m a big disputer!
GB
Go ahead and talk, I’m listening. I don’t care, but I’m listening.
GB
Okay… I’m gonna go get some tea because I’m not currently grinding my teeth enough.
GB
Now that you’ve washed your hands, I’ll let you help me.
GB
Man look at the best western, it’s a jammed with the peebos!
GB
Awesome. It’s like listening to my head inside.
GB
The milk is never free. It’s just reduced price.
-GB
That’s alright…..you have every right to be wrong.
GB
I’m swell until you actually meet me. On paper, I’m f*¢kjng great!
GB
I’m really optimistic, but you know that about me.
GB
GB: ….that’s where I developed the LTP method.
BG: LTP method?
GB: Learn Through Pain
To tell you the truth, in the grand scheme of things, I am a liability.
-GB
As a card carrying heathen,
So, at any rate…that was a festive load out.
-GB
It’s good to know useless people. It makes you feel better about yourself.
GB
A test bite from even a medium sized shark can be pretty hard-core.
-GB
If there’s one thing you can tell by watching all the Bond films it’s that high cheek bones never go out of fashion.
-GB
I spend a lot of my life thinking of ways not to touch stuff.
-GB
I’m allowed to have selective memory about things that hurt me deeply.
-GB
You gotta run a broom through the shop every now and then…
-GB
Almost everything I say is not common…it’s more retarded.
-GB
I’m as serious as the heart attack I will soon have.
-GB