You know, everyone loves Nicole, but not many people love me, so , you know.
-GB
"The kids are clamoring for new posts" … "Just cuz you want me to say funny shit for your enjoyment"
You know, everyone loves Nicole, but not many people love me, so , you know.
-GB
I don’t have a camper, but if I did, it would have a pee grabber.
-GB
I’m not that into pugilism as an athletic pursuit
-GB
I’m not giving you saltwater taffy if all you’re giving me is excrement.
-GB
Storm chaser? I’m a storm avoider.
-GB
That was an interesting waitress. She was full of sodium and chloride.
-GB
Waitress- You guys doing OK over here?
GB- You know, I eat like a 4 year old. May I please have some napkins?
GB- Burrito. Brown, Black, Chicken, Hot, Corn, lettuce.
Chipotle Guy- Well, that was concise.
GB- You want to know where I went to college and my mom’s maiden name? You and I have a burrito in common. Let’s keep it at that.
Kara- Where’s Fluffy?
GB- Fluffy’s sawing in Harrisburg
People ask me things to which I don’t have answers and I feel so useless.
-GB
There’s a flight every hour to Chicago, and you have a company credit card, so my blood pressure is the same as if I were asleep.
-GB
Happy anniversary! Way to keep showing up. That’s the secret…just keep showing up.
-GB
Well, I didn’t fall through the giant hole behind the radio rack so I guess it was a successful trip
-GB
If you’re gonna work with Anthony, you better know your hair bands.
-GB
I’ve got a bitchin’ slide rule. All metal Picket. I’ll let you see it some time.
-GB
If you’re young and stupid, I’m just gonna let you be that way.
-GB
It was pretty rough, but like a bad car wreck, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.
-GB
I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass, so I’m just going to sleep when I can.
-GB
It wasn’t that long ago that I felt all warm and happy inside. Now I feel all empty and vacuous.
-GB
Sorry Bagby, I’m no Catfish Hunter
-GB
The phone’s goosing your nads, but at least your skull’s gonna be safe
-GB
We should look her up on the Facebook and see if she’s gotten divorced yet.
-GB
Now what shall we do? Let’s debate climate change!
-GB
I’ve given up on trying to synchronize my monkey ass so I’m just going to sleep when I can.
-GB
What will we do when you’re gone? You could call me and I could talk to you about Coppertone.
-GB
I had a nice hudge in the warm-up room last night.
-GB
It stands to reason that what the dude was throwing up was mostly alcohol anyway.
-GB
The kids are clamoring for new posts.
-GB
Because maybe you’re living hand to mouth ‘cause she pooted out another spud
-GB
I’m taking the mean out on you because I need to go drunk-text fluffy tonight.
GB
Gotta call the fluff-scicle…make it seem like I’m not talking to her.
-GB
He would not deign to travel with the pleebs.
-GB
You gotta find the time to watch Caddy Shack or times are tough for a kid.
-GB
You need to know what side of the stage you’re on and stop being a douchebag like you’re being right now
-GB
I’m not going to punish my ears for no money.
-GB
I think the only minus I have is that you think I’m delusional
-GB
I’ve got better things to figure out than milk fat by molar
-GB
Bag: do you know any good chemists?
GB: oh yeah, totally. He doesn’t like me, but I know him.
For this last tour, I didn’t feel that funny, I barely felt clean.
GB
I like the kid (don’t get me wrong), but he’s gonna have to step up the rhetoric if he wants to play in the bigs…
-GB
I’m gonna go back to my bunk and watch queensryche videos. See you guys later.
GB
You THINK they cut? They cleave your head in twain with 1K.
-AM
The last thing you want to do is pump a bunch of sunshine up their asses then not have enough Coppertone to back it up.
-GB
They said it would be fun and that there’d be girls.
-GB
I’ve shaken way too many hands to be eatin’ off these mitts.
-GB
I’ve built my life on decorum.
-GB
No fair……don’t go quoting me to me!
-GB
It’s always good to be the piston in a bicycle pump.
-GB
I won’t be able to understand you anyway because you have douchebagyngitis!
-GB
It’s all over but the crying after 40.
-GB
Jealousy is a harsh mistress, like gravity.
GB
It’s a grease spot, like everyone’s favorite raccoon after days on the interstate.
-GB
People don’t like me. I’ve been told that by people who don’t like me.
GB
That’s the thing about being us is that the fun bubble just follows us around everywhere.
-GB
Sorry I was so rude earlier. My name is Greg. I’m not that socially acceptable to most people.
GB
Most of my lips have fallen off. I’m gluing the rest together with Burt’s bees.
GB